Take A Bite 1.0


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					   The net.goth handbook

							ver 1.0


It had got out of control.

I was living on the net, finding it harder and harder to string a sentence 
together without imagining a keyboard.  I moved through real life with IRC 
back slashes to describe my movements.

It seemed like a good time to pack a few items into a bag, plug in the 
crimpers and step out into the darkness of the big room outside.

It takes a while to readjust.  No matter what people have to say about the 
net and the global data community, it's not real life.  Jolt cola tastes 
better with vodka in it for one thing, and the people move faster, much 

That was some months ago.  In the meantime I have been investigating and 
researching, remembering and reminiscing, and slowly putting the whole thing 
together into this manual.

Welcome to "Take a Bite".  

It's a sort of bible for the postindustrial generation; perhaps a grimoire,  
probably a cookbook, and definitely a user manual of the international 
net.goth community.

Eventually we had more material than we could possibly use, so a supplement,
or second edition is probably in the works.  Any comments or contributions,
you know where I am!

So please, step inside "Take a Bite", but don't be surprised if the door 
slams shut behind you....

Ha ha ha ha......

(editor from hell)

						* The Goth Test *
						   Version 1.1

Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each
question that you can answer correctly.  If you don't know the
'correct' answer then you've got it wrong.  

And now, the test:

Section 1 - What *do* you look like?

1.  Do you have black, purple, or white hair?
2.  Do you dye your hair?
3.  Do you dye your hair every 4 weeks?
4.  Every week?
5.  Do you have or have you ever had hair extensions
6.  Is there such a thing as 'too much' hairspray?
7.  Do you own more eyeliner pencils than ordinary pencils?
8.  Do you wear your makeup to bed?  (bonus point if you don't go to bed)
9.  Could you underpin a building with your foundation?
10. Does it take you more than an hour to get ready to go out?
11. Can you put eyeliner on without using a mirror?
12. Has anyone asked you if you 'sharpen your feet'?
13. Do you have more buckles than toes?
14. Have you worn fishnet on your arms?
15. Do you set off the metal detector at airports?

Section 2 - Music, Musicians, Muses
16. Do you know every Sisters of Mercy Song?
17. Can you do the actions?
18. Have you ever seen -  Bauhaus?
19. The Virgin Prunes?
20. Alien Sex Fiend?
21. The Sisters of Mercy?
22. The Fields of the Nephlim (or the Nephlim)
23. Can you name the original line-up of Christain Death?
24. Have you ever ligged a band on the goth list?
25. Have you ever had a pass to one of these bands?
26. Did you use it?
27. Have you been to an aftershow party with a famous goth band?
28. Were the members of the band scared of you?
29. Was the last song you heard gothic?
30. Have you been in a goth band?

Section 3- Clubs
31. Have you been to a goth club?
32. Did you stay until the end?
33. Can you slamdance?
34. Can you chicken dance?
35. Can you do the backwards & forwards bending over like Peter Murphy Dance?
36. Do you drink snakebite?
37. Did you go to the Batcave?
38. Are you on the guest list?
39. Are you on first name terms with the DJ
40. Are you the DJ?

Section 4 - The Undead
41. Have you got naturally pointy teeth?
42. Have you worn plastic vampire teeth other than at Halloween.
43. Did you pick someone up as a result?
44. Have you had sex with the undead?
45. Have you been to the Wiredog Club (or equivalent)
46. Are you a vampire?
47. How do you do your makeup if you haven't got a reflection?
48. Have you ever drunk blood?
49. Have you ever drunk human blood?
50. From a glass?

Section 5 - On the road
51. Have you ever been in a following?
52. Did you ever follow Southern Death Cult, Play Dead, X-Mal, The Sisters?
53. Have you contributed to a fanzine?
54. Have you edited a fanzine?
55. Have you sold a fanzine?

Section 6  - At the movies
56. Have you seen The Hunger?
57. Have you seen Return of the Living Dead?
58. Have you seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
59. Have you seen the Addams Family (TV Show)?
60. Do you think it's better than the Munsters?

Section 7 - Hardercore than thou?
61. Do you own...A Tarot Deck?
62. ... Lots of weird silver jewelery?
63. ... Mainly black clothes?
64. ... More boots than shoes?
65. ... An original copy of Walk Away (with the flexi)?
66. ... An inflatable bannana?
67. Have you ever been called a goth?
68. Did you deny it?
69. Do you ever refer to other people as mini-goths or quantum-goths?
70. Do you get upset when it rains, but still sing 'I love the rain?'
71. Have you been on alt.gothic since it started?  
72. Have you actually read Shelley?
73. Do you have a fetish?
74. Have you flirted with magick or alternative religions?
75. Do you object fundamentaly to this test even though you scored over 80
    points on it?

Section 8 - What's the difference between a Casual and a Redneck?
76. Do the people you meet on the streets often ask you if you're on
	your way to a funeral?
77. Do you encounter carloads of people who make sarcastic comments
    about the fact that Halloween is X months away?
78. Do your teachers, peers, etc., often recommend that you see a counselor?
79. Do you have a pet snake, spider, or a reasonable facsimile thereof?
80. Have you painted your bedroom black?
81. Are your parents/friends afraid that you've committed suicide if you stay 
    in your room for more than an hour at a time?
82. Do you habitually wear dark sunglasses, at all hours of the day?
83. Do you go by a Gothic/Romantic name on the net? (i.e. made up) 
84. Do you go by a Gothic/Romantic name in real life? (i.e. made up)
85. Is there any difference between a Casual and a Redneck?
86. Have you ever been propositioned by a drunk Casual/Redneck?
87. Did you hospitalise them?
88. Did you hospitalise them in a really messy way?
89. Have you ever gone up to a bunch of these people and said 'What the F**k 
    do you think you're looking at?'
90. Do you have the scars to prove it?

Section 9 - Brown Questions (Art & Literature)
91. Have you read any Poe?
92. ................. Dante?
93. ................. Shelley?
94. Who was 'Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to know?'
95. Can you tell the difference between Norman and Gothic Churches?
96. Have you read any Lovecraft?
97. ................. Gothic Novels?
98. ................. de Sade?
99. Do you like pre-rapheltie or romantic art?
100. Have you heard Verdi's Requiem?

Section 10 - Courtesy of the University of London Union Old Goth Barstaff soc.
101. Can you name all the bands on the Merciful Release label?
102. Do you know what the Birthday Party were called before they were called
	The Birthday Party?
103. Who play 'House Music for Goths?'
104. Do you own a pair of crimpers?
105. Do you tie an obscene number of scarves to your waist?
106. Do you know what this signifies?
107. Have you ever been part of a pyramid?
108. Do you know the name of Eldritch's cat?
109. Does God drive a white Merc?
110. Who's the fairest of them all?

Section 11 - Drugs
111. Do you or have you ever smoked?
112. ..............................Clove, Marlborough, or Death?
113. Have you ever had speed before breakfast?
114. ....................... instead of breakfast?
115. Is caffine more important than sunlight?


The Devil's Dance Party

a guide to goth dancing in the 90's

The Standard 3 by 3 Dance
Look at your feet.  Take three steps forwards.  Take three steps backwards.  
Do stuff with your arms if you think anyone is watching.  Repeat as necessary.

The Backwards and Forwards Dance - a la Eldritch
Like the standard 3 by 3, but sometimes you can pretend you've got a 
microphone and look away from it earnestly, sunglasses are a useful prop here! 
(You can look at your feet if you don't know what to do with your arms).

The My Little Pony
This dance was invented by small girls with too many hair extensions and very 
high heals.  All you can actually do in this state is twist your head and 
shoulders from side to side in time to the music.

The I can actually Dance 
This is usually done by people who have imbibed too much of one substance 
or another, they actually dance like an ordinary human being.  This either 
looks incredibly cool, or very stupid depending on how far gone they are and 
if they can *really* dance.  Try moving your entire body in time to the 
music, rolling your shoulders and trying not to laugh.

This isn't as common as it used to be, but just in case you don't know how, 
try throwing yourself suddenly backwards and then going beserk fists flying, 
haircut slicing off limbs and huge pointy boots landing on people.  
It's very useful on crowded dance floors, and if there are 4 or 5 of you, 
it's possible to make a nice big space to dance in.  
Handy Hint: try not to elbow any 6'6" Rastafarians in the stomach! 

The I go to a lot of gigs' dance 
Most common to SOM and NMA tracks, this dance involves knowing 'the actions' 
(ie when to throw one hand in the air - or both if it's the Army).  
This dance is often done by people who know the words to the songs as well.  
It is not common for people to stop moving their feet because they are too 
drunk/wired to coordinate their hands, and voice, and feet at the same time.

The JAMC sprawl 
This song involves lying on the floor during Jesus and Mary Chain songs 
(or anything of that ilk, you never know, someone might still play them) 
and rolling around in a 'too doped to get up' state.  Anyone who thinks it's 
funny to kick or tread on the dancers gets dragged down to join in the fun. 
This is a very useful dance if you need a rest, but shouldn't be attempted 
at any club where people spill cider and black.

The 'Right, that does it!'
This is a new one which involves the removal of limbs of indie kids who 
insist on waving their hair around on crowded dance floors (if I wanted a 
mouth full of greasy hair I would presumably have asked?!) 
It involves a can of hardrock hairspray, slamdancing with armour on, 
and a cigarette lighter.

The Chicken Dance (or Chicken War Dance) 
This a slightly more extreme version of Slam Dancing which involves dancing 
like a chicken and slamming using your elbows, forearms and fists.  
From close up it is very, very dangerous, from a distance it is very, 
very silly.

The Industrial Stomp
Place your feet shoulder width apart.  Shake the top of your body violently 
from side to side in time to the music.  Dance violently with your arms like 
a robot on demarol.  Shout a lot.


				   - Principia Diabolicus -

				   A Philosophical Treatise

There has been much discussion recently about the so-called 'gothic 
philosophy', a code by which we all live, a code by which we strive to live, 
or a code that we live by 'more than you' (but only on weekends). This 
abstract will consider the various aspects of gothic philosophy and sub 
culture in an attempt to bring together the thoughts and dreams of 
various learned children of the night from around the world.

If the barbarian tribes of pre-medieval 'Germany' had a philosophy it can 
probably be found in their writings.  The Visigothic language is similar to 
old High German and Anglo-Saxon.  However, my Anglo-Saxon is as rusty as my 
French, and besides they didn't actually write much down - all that exists 
are some passages from the Bible and some helpful phrases for the tourist:

	   Hwa Quithan              = What can I say?
	   Wyrcan thone Wihagan     = Make a shield wall!      
	   Aaargh                   = I am presently being serrated by a 
                                      drunken psychotic, axe wielding, 
                                      smelly, barbarian!

However, we like to think of them as a bunch of axe wielding, psychotic, 
rather good looking men and women, dressed in black riding mighty war horses 
into battle, and eventually (axeidently (sic)) setting fire to Rome and 
bringing about the collapse of civilization and then going out for a beer.

Philosophically speaking we have the beer and the desire to strike terror 
into the hearts of mortal man in common.  

That seems to be a useful beginning, and, as it would not do to dwell for too 
long on the fact that the visigoths were actually a group of crusties on the 
piss, let us consider the Medieval connection.

Castles on hill tops, thunder, lightning, storm clouds, knights, dragons, 
musical song and dance numbers?  There is a strong medievalistic element in 
many of today's goths.  It's not an Arthurian yearning for days of chivalry 
and Grail quests, but rather a link with the quasi-fantastical 'romantic' 
aspect of the time and the genre.  I think romanticism is the key here, we 
each have our own notion of the period and each associate it with different 
things.  But as I appear to be bordering on psychology, and that is definitely 
not my field, I shall change the subject before I say something to start the 
Freudians twitching (....but I do have a thing for armour!).

There is more, of course, the Medieval period brought us the other legends of 
Camelot, those which did not so easily convert to the Christian ideal, the 
magic and dark forces, the supernatural!  There are also the 'darker' 
characters (and again we know about them only through literature), 
Chaucer's Pardoner tells of plague and of Death stalking the land, The 
Gwain Poet describes the fatalistic humour of the Green Knight, and 
Malory of the Death of Arthur.

So from this period we get our sense of the fantastic - a sort of 'New Age 
with Attitude' tract which was further developed by some of the Romantic 
poets, oh, and the desire to ride around carrying a sword and 'smiting' 
people for the fun of it.

17th Century
The New Model Army were formed by Oliver Cromwell and went on Tour.

Romantic Period
The Romantic Junkie Poets were proto-goths, they fought, drank, took to many  
drugs, wore baggy shirts, and, like the barbarian tribes before them went to  
Italy to either die or misbehave (apart from Wordsworth who went to France 
and took part in the Revolution, and Coleridge who was too fat to be a goth  
but wrote some damn fine verses so he can join as long as he stands at 
the back).

Their own philosophy seemed to be a hedonistic celebration of nature and 
supernature almost on an anthropomorphic level, and a strong sense of 
individuality within the identity of their peer-group!  I like them but 
Shelley was a better poet than Byron and I don't *care a toss* what the 
good Doctor says!

Victorian Decadence
The introduction of Vampire chic.  This was a period more to do with the 
aesthetics of modern goth than it's underlying philosophy.  However a certain 
element of moral turpitude could well have crept in.  I suppose Dracula, 
although it was mainly about syph. , could be considered one of the great 
philosophical books of the period, or not, please yourself!

I've jumped ahead a bit here, but the pre-gothic subcultures from which we 
borrowed are worth considering briefly.  No Leaders, Anarchistic Nihilism? 
No, I don't think we really borrowed that much from the punks as a whole -  
of course there are many individual goths who subscribe to these political 
doctrines - but it doesn't seem to be an integral part of the subculture 
today.  Oh, and, "never trust a hippy!" - often a very useful bit of advice!

New Romantic
Again this was an aesthetic thing really.  Adam Ant did a fair amount for 
breaking down the visual barriers and gave many male goths something to 
aspire to (beauty?) for the first time.
But then Ian Astbury was a Native American Indian about the same time, 
so maybe it was him.

One particular quote always springs to mind, it was made by a relatively 
insignificant heavy metal singer:

"It is about having as much fun as possible, doing as little damage to 
 yourself and preferably none to those around you that you care about, 
 and doing as much damage as possible to people you don't like."

But as a) he was talking about a record and 
       b) it was on Belgian TV, I think he was probably joking.

And that, of course, is the final part, the very crux of the gothic  
philosophy,  Ladies and Gentlemen we have a sense of humour!  We are morbid, 
not suicidal and we can laugh at other people, and, just occasionally, 
at ourselves.

We have borrowed various philosophical elements from our historical sources, 
but the philosophical elements which are most clearly defined are: the desire 
to strike terror into the hearts of mortal man (or at least turn heads in the 
street), a romantic sense of the fantastic, the desire for pleasure in 
extremes, a visual identity within the subculture, questionable sexual and 
social practices, a fascination with supernature, the macabre, and the safety 
of being within a group where we get the in joke.


An A to Z of essential net.goth fashion items

A is for Amphetamines, but seeing as they are not a fashion item and they are 
illegal we'll have to think of something else - you get really great cheek 
bones though, but you tend to turn into a paranoid psychotic junkie after a 
while.  Um.. Apple? oh, I know, Army Surplus stuff - combat's and para boots 
and the like for when you go off following some band or other all over the 
place.  Yeah, that's it.  TaB recommends German Army stuff which has been 
dyed black (unless you are in Germany, in which case you can get some of that 
Russian stuff that they had in Berlin last time I was there)

B is for bat:  The bat is an essential logo, tattoo, pet, or item of 
jewellery.  Partly because of it's vampiric associations, but also because 
they are cute and easy to draw.

C is for cloak:  Opera capes are warm, stylish, keep the rain off your 
leathers, and are handy for concealing pump-action shot guns, samurai swords, 
or bottles of wine under.

D is for DM's:  Not the ultimate goth boot as it doesn't have enough buckles, 
points, heels etc.  But a very useful day-to-day/going to festivals type boot.  
You need at least 12 holes and again don't be confused into buying them in 
colours like: purple, red, invisible etc., but rather stick to the traditional 

E is for Extensions:  Add these to your head and you too can have knee length 
hair.  Remember to wash them in bleach free washing powder and fabric 

F is for feathers: You can put feathers in your hair, your ear-rings, anywhere 
you like.  From pigeon feathers for day to day wear, to eagle feathers for the 
Southern Death Cult Fan to Peacock feathers for the utterly demented

G is for Goth, as having another with you counts as a fashion accessory! 

H is for haircut: see our Beauty section for more details, but never 
underestimate the importance of hair.  If you have short orange curly hair 
then get a Hat which also begins with H.  There are lots of different types 
of hat, but we suggest Opera Hats, Top Hats, or Preacherman style Fedoras; 
or wide brimmed hats with lots of lace veils and black feathers for the 
funereal girly look.

I is for Individuality, which is why this A-Z is not dictating exactly what 
and how to wear things, but rather trying to give you some ideas that you 
can put together so you don't look like everyone else.  I quite often see 
someone in the street and think it's a friend of mine.  The truth is it isn't, 
but rather someone who either looks exactly like her, or someone who she 
looks exactly like, or maybe they're both trying to look like someone else, 
how should I know?  Stop bothering me and go onto the next letter.

J is for Jacket:  One of the few essential points of conformity is that 
it really must be black.  What you paint on it, stick on it, and tie on it is 
really up to you.  A waterproof fabric paint is the best type to use if you 
want to do it yourself.

K is for martial arts, such as Karate, Kung-Fu, Kendo, Kenjutsu, and all the 
ones that don't begin with K. Useful for dealing with the indie-kid/casual/
redneck problem. Not really a fashion accessory, rather a fashion statement.

L is for Lunch Box: I quite like the black batman one with the matching cup, 
but whatever you choose make sure it's customized with stickers or whatever.  
Ammunition Boxes are also popular in LA, but then they're probably easier to 
get hold of there.

M is for Make-Up Kit:  at an absolute minimum it should contain some white 
foundation and an eyeliner pencil.  Ideally you'll have some blush and a can 
of extreme conditions ultra hold hairspray from HELL

N is for net.goth T-shirts (available from TaB or by ftp)

O if for Outrageous clothes.ie: Corsets, cross-dressing, fish-nets on the 
arms, Rubber, Leather etc,etc (we know they're not really that outrageous, we 
just needed something to fill up the letter 'O'.

P is for PVC:  This is very popular in London at the moment, especially with 
the DiJ brigade.  They have become known as "Plastic Goths" which someone 
thought was a kind of action man (TM) doll until it was pointed out that 
there was no crushed velvet action man (TM) clothes, and even if he did 
borrow Barbies (TM) there was still no saving his haircut.  Anyway don't buy 
cheap PVC clothes as they tend to fall to pieces on the dance floor when 
you are trying to impress someone. 

Q is for 'Quantum Goth', a look you want to try and avoid.  It usually 
consists of a brand new band t-shirt and either black levi's or long tasselled 
skirts and army boots or Doc Martens.  Often a larval stage for indie kids 
trying to make the transition to gothic butterflyhood so unless they get in 
your way it's decidedly unkind to rip their heads off. (see Extreme 
Violence: Indie Kids, Techniques: pages 101-534)

R is for Rat:  a wonderful fashion accessory but read our section on pet care 
before getting one.  Also make sure that it's house trained and that it 
doesn't have the plague as smelling of urine and having huge swelling is more 
usually associated with [insert your least favourite sub-culture here].

S is for Skin art: Tattoo's and Scarification (there's no such thing as a 
stick on scar, actually there is, but it's crap and it keeps falling off. 
You could always use Epoxy resin.)

T is for T-shirts: Alien sex fiend, Bauhaus, Fields of the Nephilim 
(last of the western hero's only), Ghost Dance, Rosetta Stone (gothic as f**k), 
Sisters of Mercy, to name but a few. Fashion gurus dictate that the sleeves 
should either be cut off or turned into a sort of shredded effect 
(see Knitting Patterns)

U is for Umbrella which is near enough essential over here as it always seems 
to rain after I have spent 2 hours getting ready.  Large umbrellas are good, 
plastic see through ones with pink plastic handles which blow away in the 
slightest breeze are less handy.  Sometimes a small foldable one can fit in 
the sleeve of your jacket and be used quite effectively on the dance floor 
(see dance)

V is for Victorian/Vampire look: frock coats, long dresses, corsets, frilly 
shirts, top hats, sword sticks, long teeth etc. etc.

W is for 'Where the hell did you buy that?' to which you should either reply 
'up yours!' if they are being rude, or 'I had it made specially!' if they 
really like it and you actually got it at the store round the corner and 
they have racks of them available half price (remember stay unique)

X is for body piercing (as in what a pain it is having to take them all out 
if you have to have an X-Ray).  Remember lads, having a ring through the end 
of your willy makes you pee like a watering can [Source - Zodiac Mindwarp]

Y is for Yellow (also orange, pink, green, blue, gold lamé etc.) which are 
colours to avoid like the plague (see Rat)

Z is for Zoo, where you can adopt an animal like a bat, or a penguin if you 
want to.  If you ask nicely and tell them that you are a reporter for 
Take a Bite they will let you take the animal home with you, or maybe to a 
club.  (Then again they might not, which is a good idea if you adopt a wolf).


How to apply makeup

There have been a number of questions on alt.gothic about make-up.  
In order to answer them we asked a professional beautician to write an 
article for Take a Bite.  She refused, so here is something we cobbled 
together at the last minute:

  YOU WILL NEED                                YOU WON'T NEED
o  White Foundation                        o  Pneumatic Drill
o  White Powder/Talc                       o  Cocaine/Flour
o  Powder Brush                            o  Wire Brush
o  Black Eyeliner Pencil                   o  6H propelling pencil
o  Black Liquid Eyeliner                   o  Washing up liquid
o  Eyeshadow (optional)                    o  Plastic novelty eyes on-a-spring
o  Black/grey/purple blush & brush         o  'Make-Up-and-Go' Cindy(tm)
o  Lipstick & Lipcote                      o  Can of spray-on-cheese
o  Gentle Hairspray                        o  Nitric Acid

Phase 1:

Clean your skin.  Cleanse, moisturise, tone.  Rub it with apricot facial 
scrub, scratchy face pads, brillo pads, steel wool.  Clean it till it bleeds. 
This removes any dead skin that you might have on your face.  
Dead things. You make my heart sing.  
The problem with dead skin is it tends to produce blotchy, patchy foundation.  

If you need to shave, you should have already done it.  The aftershave is 
going to hurt like hell, but, we have to suffer for our art, so the rest of 
us will just wait until you stop slapping your self in the face and screaming 
and then we'll continue.

DON'T Try to remove the top layer of your face will a spoon.

Phase 2:

Once you have wiped away the blood and dried everything off nicely it's time 
to start applying the foundation.  Now before we ate her brains, the 
beautician mentioned something about adding a layer of a light skin tone 
coloured foundation before the white and using a spot concealer if you have 
a blemish, but after phase 1 you shouldn't have any zits or skin tone left so 
there.  (You at the back!  You can if you want to, OK?)

First of all put a wodge of it on the back of your hand and rub it in a bit; 
this is akin to an artist mixing paints on his or her palette.  Then you can 
start to apply it evenly to your face.  Don't forget to massage it in right 
from the top of your hairline to the base of your neck.  If you have a hawk 
or something you probably need to do your ears too!  I find it easier to draw 
stripes on my face (like Adam Ant) and then blend them in together. 
DO NOT FORGET TO BLEND THEM IN TOGETHER 'cos you'll look like a clown on 
bad acid.

If you are Nik Fiend you could put a bottle of liquid latex on your face or 
something.  I have never tried it; but then I also never tried the 
special fried mice at the Super Garden Kitchen.

Now dust some of the powder or talcum powder over the foundation cream using 
the powder brush.
Repeat until you look like a flawless creature from the crypt.

DON'T use cocaine (too expensive) 
	 or flour (you'll end up covered in dough if you sweat)
DON'T mis-spell 'flour' as 'flower' in the prelims or Tamara 
	 will laugh at you

Phase 3:

Not everyone seems to realise that 'eyeliner' is for lining the edge of the 
eyelid and not slapping on underneath.  Actually whatever way you want to do 
it works.  Basically as long as you don't start drawing on your eyeball 
it's OK.  You can draw all sorts of patterns, lines, dots, spiders webs. 
How Exciting!

	 Tip 1: Liquid eyeliner stays on longer on top of eyeliner pencil.
	 Tip 2: If you do draw on your eyeball, use a pencil rather than 
                liquid eyeliner as it hurts less.
	 Tip 3: See Phase 6 below

You can do eyeshadow too if you want to.  For the really adept, blend several 
shades together across your eyelid.

DON'T try and tattoo on your own eyeliner using a 6h pencil and a bottle of 
embalming fluid

Phase 4:

To apply blush, suck in your cheeks and brush GENTLY along the underside of 
your cheek bones.  Keep adding depth until it looks like you are in an 
advanced state of consumption.  Grey, Black, and Purple subtly combined give 
the very best effect.

DON'T Slap your face until you get bruises in exactly the right places as they 
might swell up.

Phase 5:

Try to avoid the old Fat Bob method of drawing all over your face with scarlet 
lipstick.  It's kind of passe now.  You can use the eyeliner pencil as 
lip-liner if you have a problem with keeping within the edges of your lips. 
Once you have got it on, blot once on tissue paper (that means biting gently 
with your lips on either side of a kleenex to absorb the excess moisture, oh, 
you knew that, sorry... I'll shut up shall I?)

Apply some sort of lip cover; it's a sort of varnish for your lips which 
stings if your lips are cracked but keeps the coloured stuff on all night no 
matter how much kissing, snakebite drinking, or jugular piercing you do.

DON'T Eat something poisonous to achieve 'blue-tinge' effect

Phase 6:

ON HUMANS hairspray.  With your eyes shut, carefully spray any detailed or 
complicated eye or face make up you may have.  
Wait until it is dry before opening your eyes.

This provides a small protective layer which may prevent accidental smudges. 
(This is also not recommended by the hairspray manufacturers or by TaB 
directly.  We can assume no responsibility for any skin damage caused by this 
technique.  We all do it though, and apart from the seeping sores it works 
just fine.)  
DON'T forget to extinguish all smoking materials first!

Phase 7:

If you are feeling festive you can use spirit gum to stick things to your 
face like at black sequins, stars, satellite dishes, house keys.  What ever.

DON'T if you don't have to.

Phase 8:

Take care of your skin.  If you decide to be oh-so-hardcore and wear makeup 
day and night for the rest of your life, you will probably end up with an 
imbalance of stuff.  This can lead to all sorts of problems.  TaB therefore 
recommends lots of cleansing lotions and at least one peel off face mask each 
week.  Once again we don't condone the use of liquid latex as a beauty aid, 
but it probably works.

DON'T copy anyone else's make up.  Instead you should steal it, modify it 
slightly, do it better, and accuse Them of copying You.


The Take a Bite Taste Test

Is caffeine more important than sunlight?  This question from the goth 
test set our corporate scientists to work, and after several lightning lit 
midnights, and the horrible dismemberment of several Igors here are the 

Caffeine content in mgs per 12 oz can::
Jolt                      100.0
Sugar-Free Mr. Pibb        58.8 *
Mountain Dew               54.0 *
Mello Yellow               52.8 *
Tab                        46.8
Coca-Cola                  45.6
Diet Cola                  45.6
Dr. Pepper                 39.6
Pepsi Cola                 38.4
Aspen                      36.0 *
Diet Pepsi                 36.0
Canada Dry Cola            30.0
Canada Dry Diet Cola        1.2

* Not available in the UK
A 7 oz cup of coffee has the following caffeine content:
Drip                 115-175
Brewed                80-135
Instant               65-100
Decaf                  3-4

Tea actually has more caffeine per cup than coffee.  Therefore the top 3 
drinks with caffeine according to Take a Bite are:

	   3. Jolt Cola     tastes filthy, kicks like a mule on speed

	   2. Coffee        a warm mellow drink causing shakes and psychotic
			    episodes if you have more than about 17 cups

	   1. Tea           boiled water and leaves served with or without 
			    cow-squirt.  Goes some way to explain the English.

Please note: Pepsi Max does not figure in this survey as I drank it all.


Razor Cuts
The Take a Bite guide to hair care

This section deals with the five basic aspects of gothic hair, and then goes 
on to look, albeit briefly, on what to do when you have crimped, dyed, and 
backcombed your hair into oblivion and you are now bald.

	o Crimping
	o Hair dye
	o Big Hair for beginners
	o The Mohawk
	o The Joys of hair extensions
	o Baldness

Because TaB is an international publication, and because it is distributed  
on the internet as well as on paper we have decided not to use brand names, 
and instead to make a list of words you should look for on any products you 
buy.  For example if you are looking for some crimpers, you should look for 
the words:
	   Gas Powered
And avoid any product which contains the words:
		Wave                               Napalm
		Curl                               Heated nipple clamp


Well you've bought your crimpers and plugged them in.  What now?  
Well you need to wait for them to heat up, so make sure they aren't on top of 
any  vinyl or anything and then go and have something to drink.  
While you are gone get some hairspray and give your hair a once over - making 
sure to spray underneath right down to the roots.
Hairspray - Words to look for:                
	Hardrock original formula          Aquanet 
	Extra Firm Hold                    Extra Bastard 
	Supreme                            Ozone Destroying
Words to avoid:
	Hair remover                       WD40
	Furniture polish

Once the crimpers are hot, get a finger and thumb full of hair and crimp it 
with the crimpers as close to the root as possible.  If the crimpers are hot 
enough you should hear and egg-n-bacon sizzle.  Hold for about four or five 
seconds and then continue up the hair until you've done it all.  
Repeat until you are crimped.

Now I'm led to believe that this process is more common in Europe than the 
States, but apart from being a quick way of distinguishing between a person 
with black hair and a goth going shopping, crimping also makes further hair 
modification easier and is a pretty much essential precursor to the 
'big and fluffy' haircuts detailed below.

Hair Dye

Words to look for:
		blue black                              purple
		black                                   permanent
Words to avoid:
		golden yellow                      Just add salt and boiling 
                party fun                           water
		                                   Vetinary use only

That's all I have to say on the subject, but see also: Baldness (below).  
By the way  hair dye seems to leave hair in a conditioned state which makes 
it almost impossible to spike.  
Do not be fooled into believing that black hair dye is a good conditioner 
- 'cos it aint.

Big Hair

Here are 5 steps to a big 'fat bob' haircut and 6 steps to a mohawk.  
Follow this easy step plan for six days a week for 3 years and dye your hair 
on the 7th day and you too can have hair like Queen Elizabeth I. (bald)  

1) Crimp your hair 
	See 'crimping' above

2) Spray your hair 
	Add more of your gravity defying hairspray.

3) Crimp your hair again
	Crimp or iron the hair to slightly melt the hairspray and produce a 
	fine  sticky layer.  (This isn't *absolutely* necessary, but makes the 
	rest of the process much easier and faster)

4) Backcomb 
	Backcomb it from the roots.  (Just in case you think this means combing 
	it backwards - here's how.  Grab a finger and thumb full of hair from 
        the middle top of your head.  Hold it vertically and then comb the 
        hair down towards your head, keeping a firm grip at all times.)  
	When you have combed it down into a matted clump run the comb up 
        through the hair and it will stand up slightly.  This will hurt.  
        But we have to suffer for our art so stick with it.  For best 
        effects use a steel toothed 'nit' comb or other fine comb.

5) Respray
	When you have finished backcombing your hair you will look like fat 
        Bob. If you want to look like fat Bob then spray it some more and 
        use a hair dryer to set it in place.

If you have shaved sides, you can easily achieve a mohawk by getting a really 
powerful hairdryer and some more hairspray and just setting your hair in 
place.  Or if you've got vast quantities of hair you can brush it all over to 
one side and look as if your brain has exploded out of your temple.

6) More hairspray
	This just sets it nicely


Getting hair extensions put into your hair is expensive - Billy Idol has some 
and he is rich, blonde, has read too much William Gibson and never answers  
his e-mail.  However, you can buy the fibers yourself and get someone to put 
them in for you.  Here's how:

Method 1:
Jam them into a hairband of some description: This is quick and easy, but 
likely to come out if pulled.

Method 2:
Plait them in and then sew the fibers to your hair:  The advantage of this 
method is they can easily be taken out again (as long as you don't sew black 
extensions into black hair with black cotton).  The downside is they
will work loose and will only stay in for a day or so at the most.

Method 3:
Melt them in with crimpers:  If you use this method make sure they are 
properly plaited in first.  The last thing you want is a globule of melted 
plastic dangling in your ear.  (note: not fashionable at the time of
going to press - who knows what the future holds!)


Here are a list of bald people who you might have heard of:

Sean from the Marionettes
Andy from Creaming Jesus
Bela Lugosi (but he is also dead)

	o Use conditioner
	o Give your hair a rest every now and then (ie wear a hat or something)
	o Once your hair starts to go thin - stop dying it or loose it.  
	  The invention of natural hair dyes and coloured hairspray will save 
	  you from ruin.

					    Night Blindness

						by Laura Lemay

"I hear Nick's having really weird dreams again,"  Sarah said,
leaning into Matt's bathroom mirror and drawing an even thicker line of
makeup under her right eye.  "When I called him today, he mentioned
something about it.  He was pissed at me that I woke him up."

"Oh?" said Matt, wandering into the doorway in a white shirt, tight
black jeans, and a black vest.  His hair was tied back off his face.
"Do you think this would better with or without the vest?" Sarah lowered
her pencil, looking critically at his reflection him in the mirror.

"Without.  And take your hair down."

"But it doesn't tangle this way," Matt mumbled, reaching behind him and 
tugging at the elastic.

"But it looks much prettier that way.  And besides, you're a hair-fuck,
darling, you have to learn to take advantage of your assets."

"Not in the mood to take advantage of anything," Matt said, out of earshot
of the bathroom, where Sarah was now putting on lipstick.  He had had
a bad day at work; he didn't even know why he had let Sarah talk him into
going out to the clubs tonight.  But it was a Friday, and they always 
went to the clubs on Friday. 

"I thought when Nick stopped taking so much speed he stopped having freaky
dreams," Matt said, louder, picking up on her previous comments.

"I'm not sure.  I remember him having fucked up dreams before, though,
when I was with him, and that was before he got into speed.  Maybe
Nick is just fucked up.  Are you ready?"

"Yeah, I'm ready. I guess." Matt presented himself for her approval 
-- vestless, with his hair down over his shoulders.  Sarah crossed the
room to him and fluffed it.  "Much better,"  she commented.  "Do you want

"Nah,"  Matt replied.  "Stuff hurts my eyes."

There was a buzz from the intercom on the wall and Sarah turned to
answer it.  "Mzzr fmmmn nurvnm," spat the tiny speaker on the wall, and
Sarah put her thumb down on the buzzer.  "His lordship is here,"  she
commented to Matt.

Some moments later there was a pounding on the door.  Sarah had
vanished once more into the bathroom, so Matt answered it.  It was
Nick, in a long grey trench coat, his short black hair flattened down
on his head.  He had a motorcycle helmet dangling from one hand.  Nick
was the consummate goth: an almost constant supply of drugs had made
him scrawny; sleeping during the day had kept him pale. "Nick,"  Matt
said in greeting, "you look like shit, man."

"Haven't been sleeping well,"  Nick mumbled, pushing past him, tossing
his helmet down on a chair.  He crossed to the couch and flopped down
on it pushing one hand absently through his hair in an attempt to make
it stand up  in whatever style he had it in before he put on his
helmet.  Matt noticed his eyes had a strange tint to them.  Nick had
apparently started the night early, which would explain why he was
late.  He was waiting for the drugs to kick in.  "What've you been up

"Not much," Matt replied, rummaging through the closet for his favourite
boots.  "Working, mostly.  Man's gotta make a living."

"Yeah, I suppose,"  Nick said, with a rueful smile.  He wouldn't know,
of course.  Nick's lifestyle was supported by the computer software
patents his father had willed him.  Nick got royalty checks once a
month, forwarded through his father's legal firm.  The firm didn't care
that Nick spent most of his money on drugs and motorcycles; they had
their commissions, and Nick didn't bother them.  Nick didn't understand
what it was like to work six days a week, ten hours a day in order to
make rent every month; Nick had never had to work.

Sarah came out of the bathroom with a rush, a grin on her face, and
gave Nick a long hug and a kiss on the lips.  Matt blinked,
uncomfortably, looking down at the laces on his boots so he wouldn't
have to watch.  The intimacy shouldn't bother him that much -- after
all, Sarah had been lovers with Nick before she had been lovers with
Matt.  But now both of them were her past history. Yet she gave Nick
hugs and kisses, but stayed distant from Matt.  The disparity in her
behavior towards the two of them only served to remind him that even
though they had called it quits eight months ago, he still wanted her.
Yet another thing to brood on his mind.  It was going to be a lousy

"How are you, Nick?"  she asked, smiling, but looking concerned.  

"I'm okay," Nick shrugged.   

"You look horrible."

"I've looked worse."

"Very true,"  Sarah agreed, smiling.  Nick smiled back.  They were so
comfortable together, Matt realized.  More comfortable than he would
ever be with her, although she spent most of her time at his apartment,
and gave him advice on clothes and hair and anything else that sprung
into her mind.  Sarah and Nick had a bond.  All Sarah and Matt had was
a past relationship.

"Sorry I'm late," Nick apologized to Sarah as Matt retrieved his jacket
from the closet. "I overslept."

"Oh yeah," Matt said, "I hear you've been having weird dreams again?"

Nick was silent for several seconds, as Matt emptied the pockets of his
jacket onto the table -- spare change, flyers for upcoming shows,
napkins with hastily scribbled phone numbers on them from women he had
already forgotten.  "Oh yeah, the dreams,"  Nick finally replied.
"Yeah, I've been having a lot of them lately."

"I thought when you gave up speed you stopped having weird dreams, Nick,"
Matt commented, putting the cash and his driver's license back into
the jacket.

"No man, you got it backwards,"  Nick looked up at him, and his black 
eyes bored into Matt's face.  He wore a faint smile as he said, "I
didn't quit speed to get rid of the dreams.  I quit speed because it was
_preventing_ the dreams.  But now we're really going to be late.  Shall
we go?"  He stood up, stuffing his hands once more into his pockets.

"No, wait,"  Matt said, holding out a hand.  "Now I'm really curious.
What the hell are these dreams all about?"

Nick shrugged, and looked absently at Sarah, who was adjusting her
skirt under her jacket.  "I've had them pretty much all my life.  It's
always pretty much the same thing: I'm in this room with no windows, or
door, painted white.  I'm sitting cross-legged on this futon thing.  A
woman is there.  She's completely naked.  She sits down across from me,
cross-legged, so our knees are touching. She tells me to close my eyes
and she'll give me the most incredible experience of my life."

"Oh, I've had these dreams,"  Matt laughed, putting his own jacket on.

"I'm not finished."  Nick said, in a voice that made Matt stop moving
and listen.  "She tells me to close my eyes, and I do.  But I can still
see everything.  I can see her, and I can see my own body, sitting
there, across from her.  Her hands touch my face.  She kisses my
eyelids.  I can feel her hair on my skin. And then she reaches with her
fingernails and pulls one of my eyeballs out of the socket."

"Jesus,"  Matt said.  

"It doesn't hurt. In fact, it feels great.  and I mean _great_, man.
I'm practically coming right there.  And I can still see everything.
There's no blood.  My eye looks kind of strange, resting in her palm
like that.

"Then she holds one of them up to my face, and tells me to open my mouth,
and when I do, she places one of my eyeballs into it."

"Yecchh, I don't want to hear this," Sarah held up her hands in defeat
and moves to the kitchen, out of earshot.  Matt turned expectantly back
to Nick.  He'd heard this much -- he might as well follow through.  "Go
on," he urged.

"Its an odd feeling, holding your own eye in your mouth.  Its kind of
slippery, and squishes in your teeth, like a grape.  The woman tells
me to bite down, and when I do, there's a squirt of liquid.  But
it doesn't taste too bad, and its chewey.

"And then the rush hits.  And if it was good before, its incredible
now.  Its like no drug I've ever had.  Its all your best lays, all your
best trips on all the best and purest drugs, all at once, multiplied by
about about ten.  And it goes on and on and on, just washing over you
over and over again, for what seems like hours.  I usually wake up on
the tail end of it.  Leaves you a fucking wreck for an hour."

Matt was silent for a while, digesting Nick's story.  Finally, he took a
deep breath.  "If its all the same to you," he finally said, "I'd rather
stick with your basic dime-a-dozen wet dreams.  You're a sick man,

Nick laughed.  "Yeah, but at least I'm sick in a major way.  None of this
fucking around."  

					 *         *           *

They arrived at Shades of Midnight just before eleven, and parked their
motorcycles along the curb; Matt's ratty old Honda CB750 in stark
contrast to Nick's brand-new tricked out CBR900.  There were times Matt
could be very jealous of Nick's money and the carelessness with which
he handled it.  Sarah had ridden with Nick on the way over.  Matt knew
that although she complained about how uncomfortable the sportbike's
passenger seat was, Nicks bike would always been much more preferable to
Matt's.  Although Matt was not altogether jealous about that; it
distracted him to have Sarah's arms around his hips when he rode.

There were surprisingly little people at the nightclub, for
a Friday night.  They only had to wait a short time in line before
getting in.  They went straight to the bar to order a drink before the
prices went up; Matt and Nick had beers, Sarah a fruity mixed drink.

They had only been there a few minutes before a short woman with long
curly black hair wandered up to them. "Nicholas, darling," she said,
snaking an arm with many silver bangles on it around his thin waist.
"I bear gifts for you."  Her smile was flirty, the look in her eyes
brutally sensual.

"Brenda, my love,"  Nick replied, bending down to her level and sweeping
her into his arms.  "Tell me, what kind of gifts?"

"Red gifts, blue gifts, purple gifts,"  Brenda replied, shamelessly feeding
him pills she had already in her hand, her face less than an inch from his.
Nick look them from her, sucking at her fingertips, grinning insanely,
and leaning forward for a messy kiss, even more intimate than his friendly 
kisses with Sarah.  Brenda squealed as he picked her up, but Matt noted she was 
unsurprised enough to curl one leg around his hips as he swung her around.  
He also noted Sarah's scowl even before he had turned to look at her.  

"You are my goddess,"  Nick breathed out loud, and Brenda giggled
stupidly.  Matt felt like an idiot, being a part of this stupid
seduction game.  Brenda tried this every week, with varying intensity;
this time it was especially bad.  Matt didn't trust her.  Especially
since she had tried to seduce him not more than three weeks before
then, and with the same tactics -- drugs, lots of them of dubious
quality and dosage, given for free with a complete lack of interest in
their actual effects as long as they helped her get her own way.  And
Nick was certainly the most appropriate victim for her tactics.  "Come
downstairs and dance with me."  Without even checking to make sure she
was following him, Nick took off for the stairs.  Brenda stood and
laughed as he departed, then turned back to look at Matt and Sarah.

"It was nice seeing you two," she said, in fake politeness, tilting her
head in greeting.

"You know, there are better ways to get Nick into bed, Brenda,"  Sarah
said, icily.

"Well, this one seems to be working pretty well,"  Brenda replied, smiling
without amusement, her eyes locked with Sarah's, her body drawn up to
its full height. "You aren't jealous, are you?"

"Of course not,"  Sarah replied.  "But surely even you would prefer
it if Nick were sober enough to be able to get it up."

"Trust me, Sarah,"  Brenda replied, cattily,  "Around me, that is not
a problem."  And with a small grin, Brenda made her exit down the
stairs after Nick.

"Bitch,"  Sarah swore under her breath.  "I hate her."

"So you are jealous?"  Matt asked, teasingly.  

"Of course not,"  Sarah said, frowning at him.  "I don't care who Nick
fucks.  But I wish she didn't feed him so many drugs. Its bad enough
he can afford them all on his own without having them pushed down his
throat at every turn."

"She didn't force them on him.  He took them willingly."

"Yeah, I know.  But that's Nick.  He doesn't give a shit about his
health. But someone's gotta look out for him, if he won't do it

			    *              *              *

They saw Nick a few more times in their passes between the upstairs and
downstairs levels of the nightclub.  Brenda was always close to him,
with a smug look on her face.  He was laughing, almost hysterically
at times, with a strange crazed look on his face.  Matt wondered if
perhaps Sarah was right, that Brenda was feeding him too many drugs.
At it appeared as if Brenda didn't really care what she fed him.  He
noted that she rarely took any of the drugs she fed him herself.  

			    *              *              *

"Boy, did you fuck that one up,"  Sarah commented as Matt came off the
dance floor to where Sarah was standing by the bar, guarding his drink.

"Huh?" said Matt, looking at her quizzically.  

"That girl over there, by the wall,"  Sarah tilted her head to the left.
Matt looked to where she was gesturing; there was a young blonde woman
in a very short miniskirt and black fishnet hose leaning against the wall,
watching him idly. "She was dancing right at you.  And you ignored her.  
Hell, you not only ignored her, you practically snubbed her."

"I didn't even know she was there."

"How could you not know she was there?  She was all over you."

"I swear it, I wasn't paying attention."  Matt shrugged, taking a
long drink from his beer."

"Well then, go over there and introduce yourself."

Matt paused, then shook his head.  "I'm really not interested."

"Not interested?" Sarah said, aghast.  "She just your type!  She's even
blonde, come on?  How could you not be interested in her?"

"I'm just not interested, at all.  Not tonight."

"Come on, Matt --"

"Not now, Sarah, just let it drop,"  Matt retored, angrily.  Sarah could
be far too pushy at times.

Sarah held up her hands in concession, and leaned back against the bar.
Several moments passed.  "I know the real reason you're not interested."
She finally stated, a small smile on her face.

"Why's that?"  Matt took the bait.

"Because you're holding a torch for me,"  she replied, laughing, and
reaching out to caress the back of his neck.  Matt smiled back,
but remained silent.

The joke was interrupted, suddenly, when the upstairs bartender crossed
the floor to where they were standing.  "You're the people with the
tall gothic friend, aren't you?" he asked them.  "The one who looks
like Peter Murphy, aren't you?" he asked, and they nodded, amused at
the comparison.  "You'd better come up.  He's fucked up pretty

Matt sighed.  This was usual for Nick; barely a month went by that he
didn't get too drunk or too stoned to be able to stand.  And his
tantrums were legendary; he had trashed many a club in his time.
Some clubs wounld't even let him in anymore, he had caused so
much damage.

But something in the way the bartender had explained it this time was
different.  Sarah had noticed it, too.  As they crossed to the stairs
she groped for Matt's hand, and he squeezed it reassuringly.

Brenda was standing at the top of the stairs.  A man Matt didn't know
stood next to her, with his arm around her shoulders.  She was sobbing,
wiping her hands over and over in her skirt.  Matt noted the smears of
blood on her wrists.  Just down the hall there a group of people
clustered around the door to the bathroom.  Sarah broke away from Matt
and pushed anxiously through the crowd.

"Brenda,"  Matt asked the distraught young woman.  "Brenda," he said
again, catching her hand in his.  It felt sticky and hot.
"Brenda, what happened?"

"Ambulance on its way,"  the bartender who had led them upstairs noted,
and Matt felt a sick feeling start in his stomach.  This was wrong,
very very wrong.  He looked back to Brenda, and to the unknown man who
was standing even closer and more protectively beside her.  "What --"
Nick started again.

"Nick,"  Branda blurted out, and then began to cry again.  The man
standing next to her shot Matt an angry look as if it were all Matt's

"What about Nick, what has he done?" Matt repeated, gripping her wrist in
his hand until she cried out with the pain.

"Your friend is sick, man."  The unknown man spat at him.  "She doesn't
need to tell you what happened, go down and look for yourself."  He
gestured with his shoulder and wrapped his arms even more protectively around
Brenda.  Matt wondered if Brenda actually knew him.

Letting go of her hand, he nodded and pushed past the crowd that had gathered
around the door.  "Let me through," he said, shouldering past men and women
who were pressing in towards the door.  

Finally, he fought his way through. and then stopped stock still in the
doorway.  Nick was there, kneeling on the floor of the bathroom in the
corner by the sink.  He was bent over, his head and arm in Sarah's lap.  
His right arm lay on the floor, opening and closing slowly.  Both of
them were sitting in a thick smear of blood, and Sarah's hands were coated
with it.  She was shaking on the floor, shaking as she held Nick in
her arms, soothing his hair back from his face, and murmuring quiet
words to him.

"Fuck,"  Matt said, falling sideways in shock against the doorjamb.
"What the hell happened?"

But Sarah was past talking; all she could do was shake and hold Nick's
head in her arms.  At the sound of Matt's voice, Nick's hand closed
into a fist.  With a jerk, he pushed himself upright, his right eye
covered with his other hand.  Blood oozed between his fingers.  "I
wanted to see," explained Nick, his left eye still bright with
whatever combination of drugs he had taken that night.  "The dreams.
I wanted to find out, if it was that good.  But I botched it, and
Brenda woulnd't help me."

Sadly, Nick let his hand fall to his lap, and Matt reeled back at the
sight. The left side of Nick's face was streaming with blood, all of it
from his tortured right eye.  His eyelid hung in tatters, and his
eyeball had been neatly cut through the iris.  The liquid within it
oozed down his face, leaving a slightly translucent smear through the
blood.  The deflated balloon of his eyeball still hung  within his eye
cavity. Matt knew that the anguished, bloodied expression would be a
vision he would see in his nightmares for years to come.


				 How to 'make it' in Rock'n'Roll

 "Andrew (Eldritch) formally disclaimed being Goth and Goths I think it was 
  in the NME, Perhaps we should look elsewhere in future."

Yes, but 'deny everything' is one of the most basic rules isn't it?  In all 
honesty, Uncle Andrew never wanted to be a goth he wanted to be a heavy metal 
star (or at the very least he wanted to take more speed than Lemmy or Iggy), 
it was *that* hat and coat which started the rumours.....

In my opinion this is where Rosetta Stone and Nosferatu are failing 
(especially  Nosferatu!)  They are self-proclaimed goths and will therefore 
never be on Top of the Pops.  What they should do is appear on Saturday 
Morning Children's TV, preferably under the influence of some mind altering 
drug, wear waistcoats without anything on underneath, affect Mancunian 
accents, and ask "What's a goth?" to anyone that mentions the word.

From here they can expect regular features in the sort of glossy magazine 
written by 35 year old women who like to think they are 15, they can release 
more records than can possibly be good for them, and eventually end up 
playing to 35,000 *seated* venues; where their original fans are either 
refused admission by the security, or are crushed to death by hoards of 
pre-pubescent girlies with t-shirts reading 'Gothic as Flip' and white 

They can then do some charity shows, have some sort of motor accident, and 
eventually go bankrupt, change their haircuts, and keep trying to organize 
come-back tours which involve day-time appearances on 'Good Morning with 
Richard and Judy', but always fail miserably because they don't realise 
they are past it.

At least one member of the band will turn into David Bowie.

(None of this applies to the Utah Saints of course - 
 please could we have some passes love S&J)

			   Dear Ticia - The TaB problem page

Dear Ticia,
I am a well-educated English singer living abroad.  Recently I decided to 
take over from David Bowie when he retires.  Unfortunately I had a reputation 
in my youth for being a bit-of-a-goth and I am trying to shake off this image 
without my success.  I have gone back to my natural haircolour, shown my legs 
to a music journalist and started eating sushi - all to no avail.  I have 
worn 'cute' sunglasses, paisley shirts, spoken to my audience - still with no 
success.  Now, everywhere I go I see strange visions of shirtless young men 
rise out of the crowds and wave to me.  I'm at my wits end.  Can you help?

Andrew^H^H^H^H^H  David 

Dear David,

Why not do what Eldritch did and release "Under the Gun".  It won't work, but 
at least you'll feel you tried.  I'm afraid the only solution is to go and 
work in a pub in West Yorkshire.  

I have sent you a 'fact sheet on How to become David Bowie'.

Dear Ticia,
One of my fangs broke off and now I have a speech defect, a swollen lip AND 
only one tooth.  Last night I said to someone "I thant to thuck your blook!" 
Can you help?  

A unident vampire from the home counties

Dear Unident,

Never mind dear, everyone has their cross to bear.  You should have considered 
what was at stake earlier.  Take a few moments for reflection.  Now I know 
this sort of thing is a bit of a pain in the neck and all, but why not just 
get some plastic vampire teeth.  I have sent you a fact sheet.

Dear Ticia,
I am a bit confused as to what is gothic and what isn't.  I don't want to 
turn up wearing the wrong thing, read the wrong books, or listen to the wrong 
music.  Can you help?


Dear Clueless,

Here are a list of things that are gothic and things that aren't gothic just 
for you:

GOTH                     NOT GOTH
Black                    Dayglo Yellow
Black                    Pink
Black                    Ok, you get the general gist of the colour scheme 
			 now.  Just remember that Shelley never wore a black 
			 shirt, and that Dracula's cape had a red lining in 
			 the film (not the black & white one though).
Strange Hair cuts        Perms, Flicks, 'Highlites'
and colours 
Death                    Suicide
Various types of music   Various other types of music
Kebabs                   Sausage on a pole
Body modification        Plastic surgery
Flammable hairspray      Flammable clothing
Pointy teeth and feet    Pointy noses and big ears
Vampire books            Picture books about dogs and balls and children with
			 monosyllabic names.
Laughing at people       Being an object of ridicule
Trainspotting            Collecting Sisters of Mercy Records with obscure 
			 catalogue numbers; oh, hang on, they're the wrong 
			 way around (it's ok, we can sort it out before
			 we go to press  -Ed)
Snakebite                Ringworm

Top 10 ways of spotting a goth

10. They wear bright clothes and plastic dayglo sunglasses.
 9. They have deep tans and can often be found catching a few rays on the 
 8. They are great sport stars, often excelling at golf.
 7. They keep up with the current trends in music and are always ready to 
    embrace new bands and stand by them once they have achieved mass 
    popularity and day-time airplay and never say accuse them of 'selling out' 
    or any such.
 6. They have no sense of humour and would like to commit suicide, but  
    instead they sit around and talk about it alot - usually while listening 
    to The Smiths or other such dirges.
 5. They are short and fat and have blonde hair.
 4. They are teetotal.
 3. They are keen folk dancers, often specialising in obscure and complex 
    dance steps with brightly coloured costumes with bells on
 2. Many of them grow root vegetables for a living and collect Elvis 
 1. The pope used to be a goth

And our survey said...
In a recent survey we asked a representative cross section of the gothic 
hierachy what their favourite things were.  Here are the results:

Kebabs                          5%
Speed                          25% (although 40% refused to answer)
Snakebite & black              78%
Looking at self in mirror      99% (one claimed to be a vampire so we did the 
				    you've smudged your eyeliner joke and 
				    they went away)
Clubbing                       50%     
Gigging                        50%
Go away, you are scaring me    20%


The Anaconda Snakebite is made with half a pint of Theakstons Old Peculiar  
(or another real ale) and a bottle of Diamond White or 1080 (or other strong 
dry cider) , a dash of black and two straws.  

	o 75% of those drinking it were sick
	o 15% fell over
	o 10% had to drink more than one pint to achieve the same effect.

This drink has the colour and consistency of slightly congealed blood 
(some sort of reaction between the bitter and the cider).  
It turns to poison in your stomach.  Goes well with Kebabs.

					   Next Issue

   Take a Bite Investigates the lunchboxes of the rich and famous.

		   A feature on rats, bats, spiders, and snakes.

 We'll probably lig some gigs and write about them, or maybe to an interview.

		The results of the net.goth "Belfry Awards" 1993.

				    See you out there....

Take a Bite
First published in 1993
by Battlebridge


(c) 1993 Battlebridge
except "Night Blindness" (c) 1992 L.Lemay

This publication is sold subject to the condition that it shall not,
by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise
circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding
other than which it is published.

The Electronic edition may be circulated and distributed in full providing
no charge is made for the service on any network to which free access is
available.  If printed, the electronic edition becomes the standard edition
and is subject to the constraints of the previous paragraph

Transgressors will be persecuted to the full extent of the lore

ISBN 0 666 66666 6
(Internet SexBat Number)