From ed_mcdermott@ed.gov Tue Sep  5 15:19:59 2000
Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 12:59:44 -0400 
From: "McDermott, Ed" <ed_mcdermott@ed.gov>

BUT, I WANT TO CELEBRATE GERMAN UNITY DAY!!!  Don't they have like local
celebrations where they TP and egg the French and Polish embassies, get
drunk and eat sausages!?!?!  I think I want to sign up for it!
 
You know it's not too early to start planning for the proper Columbus Day
celebration...  Catch an infectious disease of your choice and spread it
indiscriminately; steal any item made of gold or silver from your friends;
go to a stranger's house and claim it as your own; and last but not least
hit people randomly in the street and say your doing it for the "Greater
Glory of God!"
 
Commercialism is ruining so much...  Have any of you heard people (that you
would NEVER expect) talking about "Burning Man" and how "THEY" would like to
go...  Something Cool, being turned into a commercial voyeur experience!
What a drag...  I think I'm just going to re-name the current holidays to
better reflect what they really are...
 
New Year's Eve -- Drunk and Belligerent Night 1 (sponsored by Frexinet, now
try Frexinet Brut)
New Year's Day -- Hangover/Football Day (sponsored by Advil -- little,
yellow, effective)
Martin Luther King Jr. Day -- Monday Off Day 1 (sponsored  by McDonald's,
who supports the community)
President's Day -- Monday Off Day 2 (sponsored by your local Toyota Dealer)
Valentine's Day -- Card Day (sponsored by Hallmark, makers of the Hallmark
Hall of Fame production "The 10th Kingdom")
Mardis Gras -- Drunk and Belligerent Night 2 (sponsored by Tylenol, take
comfort in our strength!)
Saint Patrick's Day -- Drunk and Belligerent Night 3 (sponsored by Killian's
Red, a product of the Adolf Coors Brewery Golden Colorado)
Easter -- Egg and Chocolate Day (sponsored National Poultry Producers
Association)
Cinco de Mayo -- Drunk and Belligerent Night 4 (sponsored by Corona Extra)
Memorial Day -- Monday Off Day 3 (sponsored by Hawaiian Tropic and Miller
Brewing Company)
Forth of July -- Firework Day (sponsored by First Alert Smoke Detection for
family, for home, for safety)
Labor Day -- Monday Off Day 4 (sponsored by Anhauser-Busch, who ask you to
drink responsibly...)
Columbus Day -- Monday Off Day 5 (sponsored Daimler-Chrysler and the new PT
Cruiser)
Halloween -- Candy Day (sponsored by Mars Incorporated -- makers of
Snickers, Milky Way, Twix and Skittles!)
Thanksgiving -- Food Day (sponsored by Slim Fast, who says a healthy shake
for breakfast and lunch with a reasonable dinner is all you need)
Hanukah -- Present <hah, we'll show you> Week (sponsored by Manischevitz)
Kwanza -- Present <two can play this game> Week (sponsored by Afro-Sheen)
Christmas -- Present Day (sponsored by VISA, it's everything that you want
to buy)
 
Cynical yes!!!
 
Bonus -- fun quotes from Hallmark Hall o' Fame website -- "See our new
commercial yet? Based on a real story, it casts a man perfect for the
part--perfect because he has Downs Syndrome." and "Hallmark has a history of
casting mentally and physically challenged actors."